Confessional Liberation that Carries the Lament of Not Being Able to be Realized

For decades I had falsely believed
the repeated extreme hardships
I was seemingly fated to experience were tests
tests of my character
tests of my endurance
tests of my adaptability…
However, at the same time
I came away from those tests
certain in knowing that there are no insights
and there is no wisdom or life experience
that comes from suffering, nothing beneficial
that could not come much more efficiently from
mentorship and education

I did not pass all my tests
I stood up fairly well most of the time
but given the esoteric nature of these tests
to not pass 100% of the time was equal
to failing altogether…
Now, having been far enough away
from Abrahamic conditioning
I see I was not being tested
I was only unfortunate
and those tests and demands on my character
that I endured were not summaries of my life,
my imperfections under such dramatic duress,
not my fault…

Not my fault,
it is difficult to accept
I am so used to believing
I am to blame for not achieving
a perfection of character, despite the circumstances
biological, psychological, environmental, sociological
the idea that I am not to blame (when everyone is to blame)
it is unfortunately counter-intuitive
I am not sure I can ever accept it…
I am not to blame
I was not strong enough
I was not prepared
I was not able to dispense with time
as though I was a saint only legends hold to be true
but none of that was real
It was not my fault
now the heart is commenting on itself
My suffering was not my fault
Not my fault…

Will my mind ever accept that to be true?
However unlikely, I can only try to resurrect hope
that dominion is not the scattering field of truth
and that there is a place for a soft heart
to find comfort in itself
in me, too